Vancu | 22 | Toon Dog | Central California | UC Merced | Furry trash -
Local Toon Dog reblogging furries, memes, and cute stuff. Mobile Background done by Fleurfur
No one fucking understands how rejection sensitive dysphoria feels, because I think if they did, they would be less willing to trigger it when people are innocently minding their own business thinking their friendships are okay.
Do you know what it’s like, feeling like your heart’s being ripped out your chest when you go to message a friend, only to find out you’re blocked? Do you have any idea what it’s like, being suddenly unable to breathe as panic rushes through you, as you try to contact the other people to ask if everything’s okay, what might have happened, what you need to fix, only to never get a response? Do you know what it’s like to go to mutual friends to ask for advice, only to be told harshly that you’re “too needy”, or to have that mutual friend block you too?
And on top of all of that, you don’t know what you did wrong. You really don’t. No one came to you beforehand about anything you must have said or did that made them upset. No one gave you that chance to apologize and try to fix whatever went wrong.
No, they would rather abandon you, knowing that they’ll be triggering this feeling inside of you, and you’re left to sink to the floor in hysterical tears, your mental health spiraling downwards so fast that you wish you were dead. Your whole body hurts, like it’s been trampled, and you can’t stop crying until your head is pounding, and you can’t breathe, and still you don’t know what you did wrong!
And then the paranoia sets in, wondering who’s next, wishing you knew what to do to prevent this from happening again, desperate to bend over backwards to make sure the people you see as friends won’t abandon you next.
How am I supposed to fix what went wrong if no one is willing to communicate?
Sometimes you just burn out. Sometimes you just stop pleasing others, because you’ve been doing it for too long and you ’ve had enough. Then you realize, by doing so, you feel free and happy. Because you have to let go. The narcissists, the selfish, the ones who don’ t care about you.
Is it simple? No. It never is. You get used to tip toeing around people because you don’t want to accidentally hurt them. Because they get offended over the smallest things, like they would purposely want to be hurt. You can never be yourself, because it would weird them out. You give, give, give yet you never seem to receive. And you’re trying. Trying to help. Trying to be good. And you’re tired.
Then you stop sharing bits about your life, after all, they don’t care. It’s so hard to believe that once you belonged there. To them. It’s embarrassing… Yes, realization hit harder than your martial art teacher in fifth grade. When you think of what could have been if you’d still cherished that fake thing, you feel something similar to anxiety. They’d have drag you down. To them. Because to them it’s comfortable. But to you… It never was.
So you move on. You find new friends. Ones who understand you, ones you respect you. You can be honest. It’s weird. They don’t get hurt if you disagree? What is this? You feel joy. Because you finally show your true self. And you know what? It’s pure extasy, so much happiness and gratefulnes.
They lift you when you feel down, they really mean what they say, they might be different than you, their interests, personality, lifestyle. Sometimes you argue. Sometimes you get hurt. But in the end, your love helps you overcome all hardships.
You have less people around you. But all of them of quality.
If your friend shames you for your interests, or makes you feel “boring” for being a nerd, or makes fun of you for rambling, or even tells you straight up that your nerdiness is annoying…
Just a reminder it is not your job to make people love you. It is your job to show people who you are and allow them an opportunity to love you, if they want to. If they don’t, please walk away. Let them go.
As time goes on, you’ll understand. What lasts, lasts; what doesn’t, doesn’t. Time solves most things. And what time can’t solve, you have to solve yourself.
Hey vancu, It's been a long time! I don't know if you'll remember me, but I was a red mouse named nitro, about 110 laff in TTO. I was a fan of your videos at the time. I followed you on my twitter, @carphonic. I saw your picture on that no context TTR page. It's great to see you're still playing haha, I'm still a mouse, 132 laff haha!
Yeah! I remember you. We can meet up sometime if you’d like
